SNAP TO IT!

“Does it hurt?” I ask my skincare technician.

She doesn’t answer right away, which should be my first clue.

“Well, when I had it done, I had tears rolling down my cheeks,” she finally says.

“Not a ringing endorsement,” I reply.

“But it probably is one of the most effective treatments we have,” she adds in her defense.

I am inquiring about a laser technique that zaps the dark spots on my face. My skin is beginning to resemble an aging leopard and I’m desperate for something that works.

“I had it done once,” a friend says later. “It felt like my face was on fire. I’ll never do it again.” She pauses. “But it really works, so maybe I will.”

Being the fool that I am, I make an appointment.

The technician lathers my face with cooling gel. “My mom had this done last week,” she chirps.

“How did she do?”

Another long pause. “We actually had to give her laughing gas toward the end.”

By now, my face is lathered and I have what feels like octopus suckers on my eyes. Even if I wanted to run, I wouldn’t make it three feet without smacking into the wall.

“It will feel like someone snapping a rubber band against your skin,” she cautions. “And you’ll see flashes of light.”

It sounds ominously like what they say you’ll see when you die.

Snap! Ow! Snap! Ow! Snap! Ow! My eyes begin to water. It feels like hundreds of snaps. My face must look like a World War I battlefield by now.

“There!” she says after what seems like three days. “I think we got them all.”

I try to smile in thanks, but I just want to plunge my face into an ice bucket.

“Don’t forget to make your next appointment,” she says as she waves me out the door. “This usually takes three to five treatments.”

Maybe I’ll just spackle on some heavier makeup.

© Susan Luzader 2021